Parenting 101

WALLS

WALLS

Prisons have walls

              to keep in

              to punish

              to cut off

              to isolate the inhabitants,

              to protect those outside the walls

              from those within the walls

People build walls

              to protect themselves

              to prevent others from connecting with them & from being connected

              to prevent themselves from touching & from being touched

Fences are walls

              they define by marking out, by excluding

              they protect those inside from those outside

              they differentiate between what is mine & what is yours

Walls are made of bricks

           they are made of silence

           they are made of withdrawal from

           they are made of anger, of hurt, of fear

           they are made of avoidance

           they are made of the need to punish

All Walls

                isolate

                      prevent

                            cut off

                                  shut out …….meaningful contact……open -sharing….forgiveness…healing…….reconciliation……restoration.                                        

                                                              

                                                                                                      

                                                                                          

© Warren Tan 1997

The 5 As (elements) of Therapy

For change to take place in therapy, certain ingredients are important as are certain sequences which help facilitate the change process.  The 5 As (elements) of therapy below is sequential in that generally one follows the other, though not strictly in a linear fashion.  The elements and sequence are also interactive as change in one of the As could also support or bring about change in the other As.

                                          

1. Awareness
2. Acknowledgement
3. Appreciation
4. Acceptance
5. Action

In therapy, therapists often seek to surface for their clients new awareness or insights.  This is often a very important prelude to change as it offers new possibilities for them to break out of their stuckness.  Previous understanding and familiar ways of trying to cope and deal with their “problems” are not working for them anymore and clients feel stuck and helpless.  When new awareness and insights are surfaced, clients typically go “ah-huh” or “now I see”; and generally there is a sense of relief that there is now light at the end of the tunnel, even though the light may still be a distance away.

When clients begin to be aware and see things differently, it is important to help them acknowledge verbally what they have become aware of.   Some typical responses that show their acknowledgement could be, “I never knew I have contributed to….” or “I can now see why he/she felt that way about….” or “If only I knew I would not / have….” etc.  In acknowledging what they now are able to see, clients often find it easier to take responsibility and ownership for their own past behaviors and reactions.   This allows them to be open to the possibility of internal change. 

With acknowledgement come also appreciation, in terms of seeing the connection between how a problem became a problem and stayed a problem and therefore what can be done to change that.  It is important that appreciating why or how a problem has remained a problem does not lead to blaming which basically shifts the responsibility of change to someone else or to the situation as a way or resolving the problem.  Rather, appreciating the connections between cause and effect in relation to the problems they are experiencing, would allow clients to be more responsible for themselves and to be better choice makers in terms of their reactions and decisions.

Learning to appreciate how things have become the way they are will make it easier for clients to accept the past without needing it to be different, even if they did not like it.  Acceptance is another way of letting go of the need to change people, events and experiences in the past.  It allows for the possibility of seeing positive lessons learnt in the past that could become their resources for their future.  Instead of continuing to direct (and waste) their energy and efforts to change their past, it allows them to refocus their energy to what is possible and positive about their future.

The above 4 elements and its sequences help clients to come to the final A.  That is to be free to act on their own behalf.  It allows them to make more responsible and better choices for themselves and for their future, instead of being dependent on others or circumstances (through blaming or being a victim).  While new awareness and insights allow clients to see the light at the end of the tunnel so they do not lose hope, the latter 4 As essentially help clients to eventually make their way out (by making the necessary decisions / changes for themselves) of the dark tunnel to embrace the light and be free.  When therapists consciously guide their clients experientially through the 5 As (elements) of therapy, change is possible.  Change is a process and also a goal and test of effective therapy.  The 5 As (elements) of therapy helps to make change possible for clients.

© 2006 Warren Tan

Reframing

I am thankful…….

• For the wife who says hot dogs tonight - because she is home, not with someone else.
• For the husband who is on the sofa who is being a couch potato – because he is home with me and not out at the bars.
• For the teenager who is complaining about doing dishes – because that means she is at home, not on the streets.
• For the taxes that I pay – because it means I am employed.
• For the mess to clean after a party – because it means that I have been surrounded by friends.
• For the clothes that fit a little too snug – because it means I have enough to eat.
• For my shadow that watches me work – because it means I am out in the sunshine.
• For a lawn that needs mowing, windows that needs cleaning, and gutters that needs fixing – because it means I have a home.
• For all the complaining I hear about the government – because it means that we have freedom of speech.
• For the parking spot I find at the far end of the parking lot – because it means I am capable of walking and that I have been blessed with transportation.
• For my huge heating bill – because it means I am warm.
• For the lady behind me in church that sings off key – because it means that I can hear.
• For the pile of laundry and ironing – because it means I have clothes to wear.
• For weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day – because it means I have been capable of working hard.
• For the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours – because it means that I am alive.
• And finally…for too much e-mails – because it means I have friends who are thinking of me. 

© 2003 Warren Tan (Revised)